33 replies to this topic

[bear]

At age 35, I'm flying a top secret space shuttle (in this scenario I'm an astronaut) and a meteor is coming to hit the US.  The only chance to save everyone is for me to drive my top secret space shuttle in to the meteor.  So I've got like a week before that needs to happen, and in the meantime, the US sends a "care package" via supersonic speed to my space shuttle full of the best foods, wines, beers, women and other comforts that can be offered.  During that week the entire US spends pretty much all of it's waking hours in praise of what a great man I am and how much of a sacrifice I'm making.

Then after a fantastic week in space, I drive my top secret space shuttle at the meteor.  I successfully knock the meteor off it's coures and instead of hitting the US it hits China (China had been plotting to nuclear bomb the US the next week).   I am severely injured, but I somehow survive and blast back to the US in my escape pod.

I've lost one of my legs, but I get a really top notch mechanical leg, kind of like Darth Vader's in Star Wars.

Then I live out the rest of my life as a living national hero until one day when I'm 90 years old, a second meteor approaches.  Then once more, I sacrifice myself.  I come out of astronaut retirement and the same space shuttle that I flew 55 years before (it had been repaired and some sweet new features had been added).  I launch in to the meteor and completely destroy it.  As my shuttle is ripped apart, I notice that there are alien life forms living in the meteor, and it's not really not a meteor at all, but an alien space ship that had neem taking over Earth.  I single-handedly destroy all the aliens on the meteor and the last thing the alien overlord, Znuuk, sees is my old, chiseled, stubble-covered face grinning with a cigarette in my mouth.  And I say "Not on my watch" and the explode the whole damn thing to kingdom come.

My body is completely vaporized in the explosion.  The US adds a national holiday called Bear Day.  

[bathroommonkey]

I know I will die on a Thursday.

I'd put money on it happening in the next 15 years.

Chances are it will be because of my own dumbassery.

[spacedvest]

I am driving home one day, and all of a sudden I see a naked woman on the side of the road. Being a happily married man, I don't look at her enormous boobs and keep driving. However, the guy on the other side of the highway sees her as well, and after staring at her enormous bulging nipples, collides into me head on. At this point, I am ejected from my vehicle out through the front windshield at a high velocity.

Seeing me flying through the air is Spider-Man. He unleashes some webbing in my direction, and I luckily fall right in the webbing before colliding with the ground. However, the speed and force of my flight through the air causes me to ricochet back upwards into the path of a low flying cropduster plane. My path takes me right into the blades of the plane, who is at the same time spraying pesticide onto some really green marijuana plants. Using my incredible cat-like reflexes I am able to deftly avoid the blades of the propeller, and I am able to grab and hang onto one of the cropduster's wheels. The pilot, nervous already because he is spraying to help with the growth of a somewhat illegal substance in at least some states, sees Spider-Man making out with some naked woman with webbing on her butt, and in all the anxiety and confusion of the moment, flies off course into the a nearby lake.

Seeing the lake's waters quickly approaching as I grasp the plane's wheel, I decide to jump off the plane before impact with the water, because I just bought a new Ocean Pacific t-shirt off of eBay that is like a half-shirt to show off my incrediblily hard abdominal muscles. As I jump in the air for safety, a bird that is unfortunate enough to be flying by collides with my rock-hard stomach, and instantly dies after impacting with such a hard substance. The bird's insides rupture from the inside into a smeary mess, making me quite irritated as to how something so feathery and gooey can cover up my beautiful body. This bird goo somehow flies into the air, and lands on Spider-Man's head, who stops kissing the naked woman to see a pilot hitting some lake water. By instinct, Spider-Man then grabs the naked woman and takes her home to Aunt May, at the same moment that I land perfectly in a new car that someone just purchased. Seeing my messy stomach and my Ocean Pacific shirt, the man who just bought the car is amazed at such a fine human specimen which must have some incredible fashion taste, and throws me the keys and says "The car is yours!"

I then die approximately 142 years later while watching "The Price is Right".

[Chef Ferrari]

bear, on 03 March 2012 - 04:49 PM, said:

At age 35, I'm flying a top secret space shuttle (in this scenario I'm an astronaut) and a meteor is coming to hit the US.  The only chance to save everyone is for me to drive my top secret space shuttle in to the meteor.  So I've got like a week before that needs to happen, and in the meantime, the US sends a "care package" via supersonic speed to my space shuttle full of the best foods, wines, beers, women and other comforts that can be offered.  During that week the entire US spends pretty much all of it's waking hours in praise of what a great man I am and how much of a sacrifice I'm making.

Then after a fantastic week in space, I drive my top secret space shuttle at the meteor.  I successfully knock the meteor off it's coures and instead of hitting the US it hits China (China had been plotting to nuclear bomb the US the next week).   I am severely injured, but I somehow survive and blast back to the US in my escape pod.

I've lost one of my legs, but I get a really top notch mechanical leg, kind of like Darth Vader's in Star Wars.

Then I live out the rest of my life as a living national hero until one day when I'm 90 years old, a second meteor approaches.  Then once more, I sacrifice myself.  I come out of astronaut retirement and the same space shuttle that I flew 55 years before (it had been repaired and some sweet new features had been added).  I launch in to the meteor and completely destroy it.  As my shuttle is ripped apart, I notice that there are alien life forms living in the meteor, and it's not really not a meteor at all, but an alien space ship that had neem taking over Earth.  I single-handedly destroy all the aliens on the meteor and the last thing the alien overlord, Znuuk, sees is my old, chiseled, stubble-covered face grinning with a cigarette in my mouth.  And I say "Not on my watch" and the explode the whole damn thing to kingdom come.

My body is completely vaporized in the explosion.  The US adds a national holiday called Bear Day.  

Bruce Willis?

[bear]

Bruce Willis never flew a top secret space shuttle into a meteor twice nor did he ever defeat aliens.  

You're being silly.

[mam1680]

bear, on 04 March 2012 - 02:05 PM, said:

Bruce Willis never flew a top secret space shuttle into a meteor twice nor did he ever defeat aliens.  

You're being silly.

Now you're just being ignorant. Not only did he destroy two meteors in one sitting (ok not single handedly but close enough - he did need Ben Affleck's help), but he also defeated an entire alien race and destroyed a planet that was going to end humankind on Earth forever (ok, he need the help of Milla Jovavich).

[golfjam]

Yippe Ka ya Mother Fucker......

[Chalupa Batman MacArthur]

I always thought I was going to die on my way to a Radiohead concert.



I was close.

[bear]

mam1680, on 04 March 2012 - 03:00 PM, said:

bear, on 04 March 2012 - 02:05 PM, said:

Bruce Willis never flew a top secret space shuttle into a meteor twice nor did he ever defeat aliens.  

You're being silly.

Now you're just being ignorant. Not only did he destroy two meteors in one sitting (ok not single handedly but close enough - he did need Ben Affleck's help), but he also defeated an entire alien race and destroyed a planet that was going to end humankind on Earth forever (ok, he need the help of Milla Jovavich).

Nope.  It was an asteroid Willis destroyed.  One single asteroid.  Plus there was no aliens on the asteroid.  And I did it twice.  And one of those times I was 90.

[noisycat]

i think i will die a watery death. i've had a lot of dreams over the years involving rising water.

seriously.

[mam1680]

bear, on 05 March 2012 - 11:33 AM, said:

mam1680, on 04 March 2012 - 03:00 PM, said:

bear, on 04 March 2012 - 02:05 PM, said:

Bruce Willis never flew a top secret space shuttle into a meteor twice nor did he ever defeat aliens.  

You're being silly.

Now you're just being ignorant. Not only did he destroy two meteors in one sitting (ok not single handedly but close enough - he did need Ben Affleck's help), but he also defeated an entire alien race and destroyed a planet that was going to end humankind on Earth forever (ok, he need the help of Milla Jovavich).

Nope.  It was an asteroid Willis destroyed.  One single asteroid.  Plus there was no aliens on the asteroid.  And I did it twice.  And one of those times I was 90.

You say tomato, I say you asshole.

Bruce Willis was 84 when he destroyed the "asteroid." Years earlier, he was 97, and he killed aliens and an entire black planet.

You're both heroes who should have highways and libraries named after yourselves.

[erba]

noisycat, on 05 March 2012 - 11:39 AM, said:

i think i will die a watery death. i've had a lot of dreams over the years involving rising water.

seriously.

I've had these dreams as well and they suck. I've also had dreams about fire.

I'm not sure which one it will be, but I'm confident it will be one of these two.

[noisycat]

erba, on 05 March 2012 - 01:01 PM, said:

noisycat, on 05 March 2012 - 11:39 AM, said:

i think i will die a watery death. i've had a lot of dreams over the years involving rising water.

seriously.

I've had these dreams as well and they suck. I've also had dreams about fire.

I'm not sure which one it will be, but I'm confident it will be one of these two.

i don't think i've ever had a dream about fire. of the two, i think i'd rather go out via water.

[bear]

mam1680, on 05 March 2012 - 12:10 PM, said:

bear, on 05 March 2012 - 11:33 AM, said:

mam1680, on 04 March 2012 - 03:00 PM, said:

bear, on 04 March 2012 - 02:05 PM, said:

Bruce Willis never flew a top secret space shuttle into a meteor twice nor did he ever defeat aliens.  

You're being silly.

Now you're just being ignorant. Not only did he destroy two meteors in one sitting (ok not single handedly but close enough - he did need Ben Affleck's help), but he also defeated an entire alien race and destroyed a planet that was going to end humankind on Earth forever (ok, he need the help of Milla Jovavich).

Nope.  It was an asteroid Willis destroyed.  One single asteroid.  Plus there was no aliens on the asteroid.  And I did it twice.  And one of those times I was 90.

You say tomato, I say you asshole.

Bruce Willis was 84 when he destroyed the "asteroid." Years earlier, he was 97, and he killed aliens and an entire black planet.

You're both heroes who should have highways and libraries named after yourselves.

Bruce Willis can't have a highway named after him.  Have you seen Hudson Hawk?

[bear]

noisycat, on 05 March 2012 - 03:08 PM, said:

erba, on 05 March 2012 - 01:01 PM, said:

noisycat, on 05 March 2012 - 11:39 AM, said:

i think i will die a watery death. i've had a lot of dreams over the years involving rising water.

seriously.

I've had these dreams as well and they suck. I've also had dreams about fire.

I'm not sure which one it will be, but I'm confident it will be one of these two.

i don't think i've ever had a dream about fire. of the two, i think i'd rather go out via water.

Bruce Willis died by fire AND water.  When asked by Parade magazine about which of his two deaths was worst, he replied "heh"